NT wrote:

I don’t connect with my husband sexually – I hate penetration because it’s painful. I don’t enjoy sex and this puts a strain in our relationship. What can we do? We need help.

Dear NT,

First of all, sex should never be a painful experience for healthy adult women. The fact that for you it is indicates an underlying  health or mental issue.

Are you having trouble fully relaxing and allowing the moment to sweep over you? Don’t be afraid to ask your husband for more foreplay. It’s a stereotype that men tend to skip this step, but it’s also often true. Massaging and stroking all over your body are great ways to get relaxed. Also, if you’ve had past personal trauma, even if you think you have gotten over it, may still be affecting you subconsciously. A trained counselor will be able to help you there.

If it’s a physical issue, then you should see your doctor to determine if chronic vaginal dryness or another reproductive problem could be to blame. Over the counter lubricants or medication may be a good option for you to stop the pain you experience.

Finally, there are other things you can do to please your husband (and yourself) in the meantime. Try non-penetrative sexual activities like oral sex and mutual masturbation to still experience intimacy. You could also dress in lingerie and seduce him while he pleases himself.

A healthy intimate life is closely linked to a health marriage. To get past whatever issues you may have, you might consider seeing a relationship therapist.

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